Below are the 3 most recent journal entries recorded in sgemail's LiveJournal:

Monday, May 30th, 2005
2:18 am	sgemail #3: your entire party has died of the poops Dear Steven Bad, How do you type with boxing gloves on your hands? Crapfully yours, Michael Little Rock, AR Wow, not only did you sign this email with your real name, you even put the real city where you live. I guess you wouldn't have any qualms about leaving your name because no one you know could ever possibly read this, and you probably don't mind letting people know where you live because you are in the process of moving halfway across the nation from Little Rock. Oh, and "AR" is not quite long enough to be piratical. Just try it yourself and say it out loud. It sounds more like one of those yappy dogs than a fearsome swashbuckler. You need to have at least two 'r's and really three if you want to have time to snarl and show off your gold tooth. Oh, and 'Michael' is not nearly blood-curdling enough a name for a pirate. There's just no hope for a pirate named Michael. You can't even spruce it up with a cool title like, "One-Eyed Michael" to make it better. It's kind of like "The Dread Pirate Wesley": it just won't work. AND my name is definitely "Stephen" not "Steven." For all you Stephens out there who spell it with a 'v', check out how it's spelled in the Bible. I don't know about ya'll, but I think that that Stephen knew what he was doing. He was getting stoned for a cause way before these hippie tree-lovers ever even came up with the idea. I guess that's why you had to attach "Bad" after my name, because you knew it was the crappy way to spell it. Speaking of crappy, "crapfully yours" is kind of a strange closing. I guess it either means that you're occupied with a certain vegas dice game or that you're constipated. I hope you were the latter when you wrote the email, because maybe that means you won't really care how I respond. It's been my experience that constipated people really don't give a crap. Wow. Sorry Michael, puns are really not my style. So, about typing with boxing gloves. I've never really tried it myself, but it can't be that much different from typing with webbed fingers, so I can probably help you out. First, you have to buy an over-sized typewriter. Actually, what you're going to want to do is buy a huge floor pad with different buttons you can jump on for each letter. That way it can double as the control for that cool Nintendo track game where you had to run and jump on the pad. Next, you're going to have to learn to walk on your hands. Finally, you're all set to go about typing with your boxing gloves by just walking on the buttons with your gloved hands. But you'll probably need to invest in Mavis Beacon Typing Tutor if you ever want to get away from the home keys. And while you're investing in old school Mac games, you should probably pick up a copy of Oregon Trail. Man, what an awesome game. It probably wouldn't be allowed in schools today, on account of the hunting and the shooting and the killing with the gun. But it definitely was an invaluable tool for my education. How else could I have learned that you can't ford a river more than ten feet deep, even with an Indian's help? Or that, no matter how many buffalo you shoot, you can only carry 200 pounds of meat back to your wagon? And, more importantly, who would have taught me that you can leave funny messages to your friends on your tombstones and your teachers won't ever know, or that dysentery means "the poops"? Oh, those were the days. Welp, I hope you enjoyed my little how-to paper on typing with boxing gloves. If there's anything else you're dying to know, I'll be right here. And, before you ask, I cannot draw a dragon, I will write your Englilsh paper for the right price, and if I were a Japanese cartoon I would have blue hair, styled in a dready-mullet-hawk. Oh, if Ali and her sister ask for me, tell them I'm available. Always Here For You, Step Gep (21 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, May 16th, 2005
9:39 pm	sgemail #2: yo-ho-ho a southern life for me Dear Step Gep, Draft #2: words. I had them. they are gone. Draft #3: Yar. Draft #4: Dear Est, We would like to abscond you to the beach. TO THE BEACH!! shortly forthwith we shall also commandeer Passmeeses! If you were a beach, what would you take to you? Draft #5: gar... Piratically, Your Secret Admirer I'm not really sure where to start with this one. I guess the first thing I should do is thank you for not including your first draft in the email. If it had to undergo two revisions to get to "Yar" then I'm pretty sure it wasn't worth printing anyway. But, I have to admit, the format is pretty cool; it's actually what got you published. I'm a pretty big fan of the draft system. In fact, I think it should be reinstated, if for no other reason than that it gives you a context in which you can correctly use the word "commandeer." That being said, I think that the error-catching function in your draft program has some serious glitches. You would think by draft #4 someone would have realized that neither "abscond" nor "shortly forthwith" make any sense the way you've used them. Unless, that is, you actually mean that you "would like to [run away] you to the beach" and that "[soon immediately] we shall also commandeer Passmeeses." Also, dude, Passmeeses is not the preferred nomenclature. The Brothers Pass, please. And again with the "anonymous" signature, or, rather, again with the clever signature that does nothing to disguise the sender's email address. I wondered a bit when I first got this one because it professed to be from my secret admirer and the return address was that of my older brother, but I later found out that it was co-authored with the one called Robin, and the signature was solely her creation. Oh, Robin, you really should invest in a dictionary, or at least one of those books with an animal for every letter of the alphabet. There are so many malapropisms in this email that I really just stopped making fun of you because it started to get old. Not only did it seem too repetitive for people reading this, but I'm pretty sure I've made fun of you for misusing all these words before, so it was getting old for me as well. On a lighter note, your grasp of the English language will go a long way toward helping you be more piratical. Anyway, on to your problem. I shall follow your lead: Answer #1 Answer #2: They're flighty little bastards, aren't they? Well, no worries. Many a greater man than you was smitten speechless by the prospect of writing to me. Your powers of language will return soon enough. I'll still be here, waiting to dispense my sage advice. Answer #3: Very well put. Answer #4: That sounds delightful, only, I'd like to pass on bringing the rodents along. And, as if there was any doubt as to my answer, I would bring flip-flops. Not only are they required beach attire, but, with my deadly accuracy, I could scare away all of those darn pigeons. If I were a beach, one thing for which I would not stand would be pigeons. Answer #5: This one is not like all the rest. "Gar" does not seem like a particularly nautical term, and thus does not exactly fit with your piracy theme. In fact, it keeps making me think of the Grand Army of the Republic. I kind of like the idea of the South rising again to plunder and pillage. It can hardly be a coincidence that "Stars and Bars" sort of rhymes with "Jolly Rogers." The two flags even kind of look alike. On that thought, a hybrid of the two flags would look totally awesome. With that to look forward to, I'm pretty sure that in our lifetime we will see these two causes unite. And I'm not just whistlin' Dixie, or, as we buccaneers like to say, "scuttlin' shanties." If you're wondering where this peroration came from, let me enlighten you: "bloodthirsty pirate" + "radical separatist" = "piradical" = how you signed your email. Always Here For You, Step Gep (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, May 2nd, 2005
3:57 am	sgemail #1: to the pain Dear Step Gep, Today me and my friend...well let's say acquaintance...were conversating and a topic came up which is as of yet unresolved. We wanted a way to settle our differences completely unrelated to the topic to see who is truly correct. What is a good idea for a 'duel' which we can do to decide this? Rightfully, Expectantly, Anonymous, Anon. Ok, first off, I want to know what exactly y'all were doing whilst "conversating" because I am pretty sure that "conversate" is not a word. It's a bit too long to be "converse" but it didn't quite make it all the way to "conversation." Also, I don't think that signing an email as "Anonymous" is really very effective since at the top it definitely says "From: Josiah Clarke." Maybe next time you should try disguising your return address. Anyway, on to your problem. I think I can help you out. Recently I happened upon the perfect test of one's manhood. and all you need are two cell phones and a large cliff with pointy rocks at the bottom. First, both combatants must assume their positions atop the cliff. Secondly, each combatant will give the other the phone number of a very large man with an intimidating voice who happens to have a single daughter of courting age. In the case that both duelists offer the number of the same father, then the arbiter will flip a coin and the loser of that flip shall have to pick a new father for his opponent. Then, the duelists shall simultaneously dial the numbers they have been given and proceed to ask the scary-sounding man for his daughter's hand in marriage. The first one to jump loses. If the pointy rocks do not kill him, then it is the responsibilty of the victorious party to send one of the irate fathers to finish the job. I hope that helps take care of your "aquaintance." If you need the number of an extremely protective father with a particularly harrowing voice, I can hook you up. For all you whose letters I did not answer this week, it's probably because you used more made-up words than my friend Anonymous here. Oh, on that note, any email that had the word "alright" in it was immediately deleted, and/or returned to sender, laden with several malicious viruses. Consider yourself warned. Always Here For You, Step Gep   (1 Comment |Comment on this)